we continue to press on

wow what a year it has been. all i know is that god has a plan for my family and i. we will go where he wants us to go and do what he wants us to do. i have learned that god And my family are the only people i need to care for because it seems i'm a doormat. and it may be the people i choose as friends but i now know that i must care for myself and my family befor all ALWAYS

and so i will god willing

take a deep beath, and breath

i went to another meeting on monday. it went really well. the lady told me that "i'm not crazy" it feels so good to hear that. that the way i feel is for good reason. it feels so good to know that we all make mistakes, of course we always know that we all make mistakes but it's so nice to be reminded of it. we're all human and we all have times were we make mistakes and that's ok. so when we make a mistake take a deep breath and breath. it will be ok there's a new day in the morning and we can try over and just hope we learn from our mistakes. pick yourself up dust yourself off and try again. that's all we can do. is our best.

i'm not so sure this was a good idea

friday was my first counseling apt. at mental heath. i met with a lady and she asked me what i'd like to talk about. i told her that i would like help with putting my past in the past. so i went on by telling her that i was raped at age 5 by my brothers father, i saw my mother beat, my sister and i raised each other and our brothers for a few years until my mother finally left him when i was 10. we were in and out of foster homes. and then continued to grow up in a somewhat "normal" home. when i was in 8th grade my mother moved in with a woman. i took it pretty hard. tried to kill myself by o.d.ing afew times in high school. started running away. when i was 18 i left home and starting working. then at 20 i found myself living on the street and had nowhere to true to. i had burnt all my bridges. i met big brothers father and ended up pregnant. it was the best thing that ever happen to me. my son saved my life. i KNOW that if i didn't have him i would be in a ditch somewhere cracked out. anyhow lil brothers father was very abusive to me mentally, physical, sexually and any other sense of the word. but after 1 hour of spilling my guts the lady stood up looked me in the eyes and said "wow kid you've had a rough life" i couldn't focus on anything all day. it was very frustrating. i couldn't believe i spent an hour pouring out everything i've tried so hard to hide for so many years, it was the weirdest feeling. as i cried at home later that day i thought to myself i'm not so sure this was a good idea.

i'm feeling better

i went to mental heat about 2 weeks ago to see if i was"ok" the man asked me about my life now, and about my past. he basically told me i was not crazy that everything that's going on in my head is for good reason and that i have post tramatic stress disorder. which made me feel pretty good he also told me that i should get some counseling and talk to my doctor about getting on some meds for my anxiety. my Dr. put me on Zoloft and saroqule. at first i was so scared it made me feel so funny. i didn't want "daddy" touching me kissing me nothing. "big sis" told me that i should stop taking it and call my dr. first thing in the morning. i didn't. i kept taking and it's been about a week and a half. i'm feeling really good calm very calm. now when "big brother" gets on my nerves i don't yell as much and that's always a good thing. i'm calm enough to take a deep breath and think about what's going on. my first counseling appointment is on wed. so we'll see how that goes.but i'm definitely feeling better.

I've been better I've worse

"what's doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"
I am living proof of this. If I only knew then what I know now. Growing up I've seen the worse of the worse but I can also say that there are people that have had it worse then me and for them I pray God is with every minuet of everyday. I was born to my mom and my dad Dec 10,1983 in Sioux falls SD I have an older sister "big sis" that has always been there and the one person in my life that has never judged me for anything I've ever done she's been there threw the best and the worst times. There is no one in the world I would trust my life with more then her. Growing up I endued abuse in every sense of the word mental (i saw my mom best) physical (i was beat) sexual (i was raped) emotional (everything around me) I'm not telling you this to get sympathy because I do that enough for everyone! I'm at a point in my life that I am dealing with my past and the best way I think to deal with this is to talk about it and god willing my voice will help someone else in a violet situation.

My Family

This is what I wake up next to and go to bed with every night. I do make gorgeous children if I do say so myself. "lil borther" is the youngest he'll be 1 on March 27 th. It's crazy how fast they grow up, I hate so mush that our lives slip threw our fingertips and we reach out to grab it to find out it's to late to grasp what we would love to hold on to. Live every moment like it were your last. "big brother" is 3 he is full of life, energy and imagination i only wish I could bottle it up and sell it. I'd be RICH! "Daddy" is my boy friend we've been together for 3 years and our relationship is the best it's ever been every day gets better and better, and that's all I can ask for. My biggest problem with our relationship is that he doesn't tell me how he feels. I am a VERY emotional person I always have been. I only wish that he would tell me how he feels at all he gives me NOTHING to work with. for example when I was pregnant with lil brother I was talking to him about not having any medication in labor he said "whatever you want babe", which sounds great but I wanted him to tell me how he felt about it. If he was going to be there to tell me to be strong, But nothing he left it all up to me. That is one of the more serious things we've been thou and all I want was to know how he felt. Making dinner. He would ask me "what are you making for dinner babe?" I would say "I don't know what would you like" "whatever you want babe" AAHH there's nothing I hate more then hearing him say that. But I love him to death, I couldn't see myself with anyone else he's my daddy. And then there's me... oh goodness where do i begin...